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Pornography Use Is An Avoidance Issue, Not A Sex Issue
Many believe that pornography use is a sex addiction. I have heard many clients (usually male) tell their partners that if they would just have more sex with them that they wouldn’t use pornography. These clients seem to believe that pornography is a sex issue. It’s not, however. It’s an avoidance issue. Let’s talk about what that means.
What Is Pornography Causing You To Avoid?
Pornography helps you avoid uncomfortable emotions. When you feel uncomfortable, pornography can flood your brain with dopamine and make you not feel uncomfortable. Dopamine is a feel good chemical in your body that gets released when you do something that you perceive as positive – such as watching a sunset, getting a raise at work or eating yummy food. You can force this natural process by causing your brain to release dopamine with pornography. You feel dopamine during that process and, thus, not your uncomfortable emotions (See Fight The New Drug).
The problem with avoiding discomfort is that you become emotionally weak. We all feel uncomfortable in life (Related Article: 3 Principles Of Emotional Health). Just living and going through your day presents you with emotions that might be hard to feel. Becoming successful in life and relationships requires a certain amount of emotional muscle. You need to be able to pick up your difficult and uncomfortable emotions if you are going to make it (Related Article: Emotions 101 – How To Be Healthy). When you avoid doing this, you don’t use your muscles and they atrophy. Over time, you become weaker and weaker.
Why Do Some Call Pornography Use A Sex Issue?
Some people call pornography a sex issue because they think it’s only about sex, when in fact it’s about their uncomfortable emotions in life. “If my spouse would just have more sex with me I wouldn’t have to use pornography” – they say. This is both unfair and incorrect. You aren’t using because you don’t get enough sex, you are using because you are hurt, sad or lonely, for example. It is true that you might be feeling lonely because you are not getting sex. However, you don’t use because of a lack of sex, but rather because of the loneliness that you feel.
Pornography use has to do with avoiding and wanting to not feel uncomfortable. It’s an emotionally violent way to make yourself not feel something. It rips you away from your emotions. Instead of feeling what you would naturally feel in a situation, it forces you to feel something else. This can cause damage to yourself and your relationships.
What Do I Do If I Am Using Pornography?
If you are someone who is using, know that there is help (Related Article: Pornography Counseling: Find Recovery And Healing). Talking with a friend, church leader, sibling, parent or significant other can help. So can working with a professional in therapy for your these problems. If it’s your spouse that is using and not you, rest assured that you aren’t the only one and that there is help (Related Article: My Spouse Is Using Pornography, What Do I Do?).
Online and in-person sessions are available.
Written by Triston Morgan, PhD, Utah Marriage and Family Therapist
