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Parenting Skills: The Curious Stance
A popular phrase reminds us: “Be curious, not judgmental.”
Parenting skills, like the curious stance and others, are helpful for building confidence in connection. As a therapist working with teenagers, I often hear young people describe their parents as judgmental. Not long after, I may meet with those same parents, who genuinely see themselves as supportive and nonjudgmental. This disconnect is surprisingly common—and usually unintentional.
In most cases, judgment shows up not because parents want to criticize, but because concern and care come across in ways that feel dismissive or corrective (Related Article: How to Listen Without Getting Defensive). One of the most effective ways to bridge this gap is by shifting from a judgmental stance to a curious one. That shift starts with self-reflection: Am I reacting quickly? Am I rushing to fix the problem or share my opinion? Or am I staying present, asking questions, and managing my emotions so I can truly listen?
Unintentional Judgments
Parents are often surprised when they learn their teen feels judged. The intention is usually to help, protect, or guide. However, judgment can slip in when parents move too quickly into problem-solving mode. Teenagers are still developing their decision-making skills, and when solutions are offered immediately, they may assume they handled the situation “wrong.” Similarly, leading with opinions—even well-meaning ones—can imply a right or wrong answer, which often causes teens to shut down or become defensive (Related Article: Counseling Tip: Polarized Thinking Is Hurting You).
Judgment can also show up through emotional signals rather than words. Stress, fear, or frustration may affect tone, pacing, posture, or body language. Teenagers are highly sensitive to these cues. Becoming more aware of how emotions show up in conversations can help parents communicate what they truly intend: support and understanding.
The Curious Stance
Using the parenting skill the curious stance involves several proactive steps. First, focus on presence. This might mean choosing the right time to talk, adjusting the environment, or checking in with your own energy level. Sometimes it’s helpful to pause and ask, Do I need a moment to reset before having this conversation? Limiting distractions—such as putting away phones or turning off screens—also signals genuine interest and care (Related Article: Ask an Expert — Five Ways to Find Peace by Staying Present).
Curiosity grows through asking open-ended questions before offering advice or solutions. When parents spend more time exploring than explaining, teens are more likely to feel heard instead of corrected. Reflecting back what your teen has shared and asking if you understood correctly can further strengthen connection. This process may take time, but when a teen says, “Yes, that’s what I meant,” meaningful understanding has occurred.
Emotional Regulation Supports The Curious Stance
One of the hardest parts of curiosity is emotional regulation. Staying curious requires awareness of your feelings and choosing intentional responses rather than reacting automatically (Related Article: Emotions 101: How To Be Healthy – Counseling). Sometimes this means delaying a conversation until emotions have settled. A slower conversation is often far more effective than a reactive one (Related Article: What You Should Know Before Starting EMDR Part Three: Emotional Regulation).
Other Considerations For The Curious Stance
It is also important to remember that curiosity is not the same as agreement. Being curious doesn’t mean approving of every decision your teenager makes or avoiding difficult conversations. Parents still have an important role in teaching, setting expectations, and establishing healthy boundaries. Curiosity simply changes the order of the conversation. Instead of beginning with correction, it begins with understanding. When teenagers feel heard first, they are often much more receptive to guidance, feedback, and problem-solving afterward.
Shifting from judgment to curiosity doesn’t require perfection—just intention. The goal isn’t to eliminate every judgmental thought. The goal is to notice when judgment begins to take over and intentionally return to curiosity. Small changes in how we listen, respond, and regulate ourselves can create a space where teens feel safe to open up and be understood (Related Article: What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)?).
A Challenge For The Curious Stance
This week, challenge yourself to replace one opinion with one question. The next time your teenager shares something difficult, resist the urge to immediately fix the problem or offer advice. Instead, try asking, “Can you tell me more about that?” “What was that like for you?” or “What do you think would help?” These simple questions communicate interest rather than evaluation and invite your teen to think through their own experiences.
No parent responds with perfect curiosity every time. What matters most is the willingness to slow down, listen first, and choose understanding before instruction. Over time, these small moments build trust and create a relationship where teenagers feel safer bringing difficult conversations to you.
If these conversations often become tense or seem to repeat the same frustrating patterns, working with a therapist can provide practical tools to strengthen communication and connection. Contact our office to learn more about how counseling can help your family develop healthier, more curious conversations.
Meet with a counselor in Utah today. We have offices in Spanish Fork, Orem, South Jordan and also do telehealth for anyone living in Utah. Family therapy can help you and your family apply healthy principles so you can make progress!