Three Levels of Communication

Within all interactions of two or more people, we engage in some sort of communication. Many of us know the ways we communicate, such as verbals (what we say), nonverbals (body language), and paraverbals (our tone of voice, pace, and intensity). While these aspects of communicating are important, they all fall within the content level of communication. There are three levels of communication that are important to engage in for building and maintaining connection and understanding. These include Content, Emotions, and Beliefs.

Content

The content level of communication focuses on the “what” of the situation. What happened, what was said. And even what was observable from each person involved. Content can also include what our thoughts about the situation are (Related Article: Harvard Health – How to recognize and tame your cognitive distortions).

In communication, we tend to focus ONLY on the content of each situation. The content is relevant and important to consider. But only as a part of all three levels. An area of frequent conflict in most relationships stems from this content-focused communication. When it comes to content, there is often only one solution. For example, you don’t do the dishes, which leads to a conflict with your significant other. There seems to be only one solution to resolve the conflict. Either you do the dishes, or you refuse to do the dishes, and the conflict continues. 

Conversations that are only content-driven tend to focus on a “right” and a “wrong”. Whoever is in the wrong needs to change. Whoever is in the right gets validation. Conversations are generally more complex than this. This is evident by the presence of emotions and beliefs that impact the overall experience. When we let our emotions and beliefs go unspoken, our brain creates defense mechanisms to restore our comfort. These defense mechanisms may restore our comfort. However, they can create patterns of disconnection in our relationships. Those who stay primarily in the content level of communication in their relationships may describe the interactions as “superficial” or “shallow”. This is due to the two other levels that are missing that support the depth of connection most people want to build. 

Emotions

One common focus of therapy is to explore ways to create more space in communication for emotional awareness and expression. This is especially true for couples and family therapy. Emotions have a high impact on our thoughts and behaviors. Sometimes we enter conversations without space to express our emotions or listen and understand others’ emotions. When we do, we are more likely to fall into defensive communication.  If so, our brains work to establish emotional stability and comfort. Taking time to understand our individual process of recognizing, communicating, and coping with our emotions can be pivotal for building connection and resolving conflict (Related Article: Emotions 101). 

Within emotion-based coping, there are often many more avenues for resolving things than if we focus on content alone. For example, you don’t do the dishes, your significant other expresses they are feeling overwhelmed and discouraged about keeping up with responsibilities. They might ask how you are feeling emotionally. Perhaps you share similar emotions. This could lead to an exploration of what support each person could offer to decrease stress. Or, just an awareness conversation of what both people are managing. Also, building understanding of why the dishes haven’t been done. Emotional expression in communication has a strong connection to empathy and understanding. This can lead to other helpful communication qualities, such as patience and compassion.

Beliefs

The final level of communication is often layered deep within us. Beliefs can be healthy and affirming, or they can be unhealthy and devaluing. Beliefs can stem from any areas of content we experience.

Sometimes our experiences are comfortable and we feel capable and adequate. This can lead to healthy, empowering beliefs, such as “I am able to handle any problem that comes my way”. Sometimes our experiences are uncomfortable and we feel incapable, inadequate, or thoughts of shame. This can lead to unhealthy beliefs, such as “No matter what I try or do, everything will always end up wrong, and it will be my fault”. 

The more we focus on unhealthy beliefs, our uncomfortable emotions are likely to increase. Furthermore, unhealthy beliefs can change the way we see some of the content we experience. You can think of this like a pair of glasses. Sometimes we look at the world through a lens of “I’m not enough”, “I’m broken”, “I’m worthless”. If so, our mind will find content to validate this, reinforcing the unhealthy belief.

Another goal of therapy can be to identify a more realistic and compassionate lens of belief to carry. “I can learn and grow if I apply myself”. “I’m learning from my mistakes”. “I have value no matter how difficult things get”. And, as I choose to focus on this healthy lens of belief, it can increase the frequency of comfortable emotions I experience. This often creates more flexible views of the content I experience. And reinforces the healthy belief. (Related article: Positive versus negative self-talk)

In conversation, this is taking time to vocalize if unhealthy beliefs are building within your relationship, or that seem to be related to the content of the situation. For example, you don’t do the dishes, your significant other expresses that they are feeling overwhelmed and discouraged about keeping up with responsibilities, and they express a fearful belief of “I feel uncertain of how much I can depend on you”.

This is a very vulnerable belief to express, and likely may bring out feelings of guilt and discouragement, or sadness in you. This can lead to a deeper conversation around the patterns within your relationship that are impacting that belief, and often create a wider range of discussion (outside of just the moment of not doing the dishes) that supports couples and families with sharing patterns of discomfort that are impacting beliefs that all individuals can engage with and explore changing.  

If you want to learn more about how to incorporate all three levels of communication in your relationships, talk with your therapist about skills to explore to add these three levels to your conversations. 

Let an couples therapist help you improve your communication with your loved one. Schedule an appointment in South Jordan, Orem, Spanish Fork or online through telehealth. 

Written by Brendan Ewell, LMFT, Clinical Manager and Therapist