Marriage Counseling Tip – Stop Fighting For Your Marriage

Marriage counseling will help you fight for your marriage in a healthy way. Most people don’t ‘fight for their marriage’ in a way that’s actually helpful. In marriage counseling here in Utah, I often hear couples talking about ‘fighting’ for their marriage, or they tell their spouse, ‘I want you to fight for me’. This often goes poorly. 

Fighting For Your Marriage Often Leads To Fighting With Your Spouse

The biggest issue with this approach is that when you try to ‘fight’ for your marriage, you end up actually fighting your spouse. It’s hard to separate that effort from the one you are closest with – your spouse. You turn on them and push them to be different instead of looking at yourself (Related Article: How To Communicate Effectively: Avoid These Two Communication Problems In Marriage). 

Solution: Fight for your marriage by looking at yourself (Related Article: Marriage Counseling With A Utah Therapist – Focus On Yourself). When you are uncomfortable, don’t expect your spouse to change, but instead, change yourself. You are probably like most people who expect your partner to change when you feel discomfort. Rather, focus on what you can do differently instead of trying to change your partner. This will help the ‘fight’ for your marriage go well. Fight by focusing on yourself. 

Fighting For Your Marriage Often Leads To Ignoring Your Emotions (And Your Spouse’s)

When you ‘fight’ you often use frustration or anger as your energy. We know that anger is a secondary emotion (Related Article: Anger Is A Secondary Emotion). It covers up what you are really feeling and can get in the way of you embracing your true emotions. You might think you are just angry, but you are really hurt or afraid. 

Solution: Recognize, feel and cope with your emotions instead of covering them with anger (Related Article: Emotions 101: How To Be Healthy and 3 Principles Of Emotional Health). Let go of that fight. Pick up your true, primary emotions. This will help you get closer to your marriage. This is the real way to ‘fight for your marriage’. Be vulnerable and take risks emotionally that create emotional intimacy (Related Article: Emotional Intimacy – What It Is And How To Get It). 

Marriage counseling can help you fight for your marriage in a healthy way. Offices in Orem, South Jordan, Spanish Fork and American Fork – we do Telehealth therapy as well. 

Written by Triston Morgan, PhD, Utah Marriage and Family Therapist